Recommended books for getting the most out of therapy

One of the most common questions I get asked by clients and friends alike is how to make the most out of therapy. This is a great question. After all, going to consistent therapy is an investment and wanting to make sure you’re squeezing all the juice out makes complete sense. 

There’a a saying in the therapeutic community that 90% of therapy happens outside of therapy. What that means is that talking about the messy things in therapy, learning to feel those feelings, holding space for your grief and not making the sarcastic joke is hard work, but the work doesn’t end when those 50 minutes is up…it begins.

While your work outside of therapy is specific and unique to you, I do have one piece of advice that feels universal to help you in your therapeutic journey. What is it you ask? 

Read. (Or listen to audio books.) 

And now you might be wondering how reading books will help you in your life? 

There are many reasons, but here’s the biggest reason: reading gives you language and language is incredibly important when it comes to being able to talk about and process your story. In fact, not having language to describe what happened to you or what you’re feeling can be a traumatic experience for some leading to dysregulation, heightened anxiety, or avoidance. There’s studies that show being able to have the language to name how you are feeling, helps to lower the intensity of that feeling. 

Books allow you to slowly digest new ideas and thoughts and theories. They help you normalize your experience and see that you are absolutely not the only one that thinks this way or feels those weird feelings or has those confusing thoughts. They also help to give you language to talk about really hard or complicated things in your life. 

This doesn’t mean just read self-help or psychology books. While I am just going to share psychology books today, I’m always recommending folks read fiction as well. Fiction helps you to grow in empathy and understand characters that maybe are annoying or act differently than you would and really understand them. If you need a good fiction rec - I’m always recommending anything by Pat Conroy. He’s a legend down here in the low country and his book Beach Music is one I am always rereading. 

While I always recommend asking your own therapist for book recommendations based off of what y’all are working on, here are a few books that I’m consistently recommending to clients, friends, and rereading myself. 

The Wisdom of Anxiety | Sheryl Paul 

This book is a gift to those of us who struggle with anxiety. It’s not uncommon to want to get rid of the anxiety altogether. While reducing the amount of anxiety a person feels is definitely a goal in therapy, I often tell clients that first it’s important to slow down and really come to understand why the anxiety is showing up in the first place. What’s it wanting to let you know about? What’s the anxiety wanting you to focus on? How’s the anxiety protecting you? 

This books helps you to lean into the rich wisdom that your anxiety is offering you and further helps you to understand why simply helping you get rid of your anxiety would be missing out on exploring those deep parts of you that likely need care and attention. 

Here’s one of my favorite quotes that I underlined in her book: 

“For anxiety is both the wound and the messenger, and at the core of the message is an invitation to wake up. In order to decipher the specifics of its messages, we have to shift from a mindset of shame, which sees anxiety as evidence of brokenness, to a mindset of curiosity, which recognizes that anxiety is evidence of our sensitive heart, our imaginative mind, and our soul’s desire to grow toward wholeness.”

Burnout | Amelia and Emily Nagoski 

The word “burnout” feels like it’s part of the zeitgeist of the last few years and it’s not going away any time soon. Which is why this particular book feels like such a refreshing and normalizing companion right now. Filled with practical advice around how to complete your stress cycle every day (Hint, hint, your stress doesn’t just magically disappear, you need to help your body release it on a regular basis!) and how to nourish your body so that stress doesn’t overwhelm your body anymore than it already does. I really appreciate that the authors name that this toxic hustling culture is rooted in the patriarchy. They speak to the systems that perpetuate this and name how damaging it is especially for folks who are people of color, who live in larger bodies, or who don’t subscribe to the accepted heteronormative norms. You will earmark and underline this book and find yourself nodding a resonant “yes” throughout.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes that’s stuck with me:

“The good news is that stress is not the problem. The problem is that the strategies that deal with stressors have almost no relationship to the strategies that deal with the physiological reactions our bodies have to those stressors. To be “well” is not to live in a state of perpetual safety and calm, but to move fluidly from a state of adversity, risk, adventure, or excitement, back to safety and calm, and out again. Stress is not bad for you; being stuck is bad for you.” 

Discovering the Inner Mother | Bethany Webster 

It’s easy to roll your eyes at the reality that at some point in therapy you will likely find yourself talking about your parents. As I tell my clients, the purpose is not to blame them, rather it’s to look at your parents from a holistic point of view and explore the fact that what you’re struggling with today can give you some clues about what was happening in the past with them. The mother-daughter relationship can be especially tender to talk about and explore. This particular book offers incredible insight into what’s known as “the mother wound” and how that shows up on a personal and systemic level. Webster defines the mother wound as, “the pain rooted in our relationship with our mothers that is passed down from generation to generation in patriarchal cultures and has a profound effect on our lives. When left unresolved, we pass on the Mother Wounds our mothers and grandmothers before us failed to heal, which consist of toxic and oppressive beliefs, ideals, perceptions and choices about ourselves, others, and all of life itself.” This book is definitely not what I could call a breezy beach read, rather something you will want to read and digest slowly with a pen in hand because you can rest assured you will have several aha moments throughout reading this. 

Here’s a list Webster created about how the Mother Wound manifests that I’ve found illuminating and can help you see if this might be a book worth picking up to learn more. This list and more information is found on her website here. 

The Mother Wound can manifest as: 

• Not being our full selves because we don’t want to threaten others.

• Having a high tolerance for poor treatment from others.

• Emotional care-taking or exhibiting codependent behaviors.

• Feeling competitive with other women.

• Self-sabotage when we’re close to breakthroughs.

• Conditions such as eating disorders, depression, and addiction.

• Being too rigid and dominating.

• Perfectionism, feeling like we have to control everything to be OK.

It also includes the pain of:

• Shame – a vague sense there is something wrong with us.

• Comparison – not feeling good enough.

• Attenuation – feeling we must remain small to be loved.

• A persistent sense of guilt for wanting more than we currently have.

Big Friendship | Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman 

As a therapist who specializes in friendships, I know that the resources around this topic are far and few between. It’s a huge part of the reason I created The Friendship Deck, a conversation game for friends who are craving more depth and intimacy with each other. Reading Big Friendship was one of the first books that put words and offered generous language to the messy nuances that are found in friendships. There’s often a lot of shame in naming that you have friendship struggles because of an underlying belief that friendships should be the easy relationships and it’s only in the other relationships like the one you have with your family or a romantic partner that are hard and complicated. This book normalizes that you aren’t doing friendships wrong if they happen to be difficult, it means you’re paying attention. 

Here’s a quote I am continuing to think about: 

“According to Aristotle, friends hold a mirror up to each other. This mirror allows them to see things they wouldn’t be able to observe if they were holding up the mirror to themselves. (We think of it as the difference between a shaky selfie and a really clear portrait taken by somebody else.) Observing ourselves in the mirror of others is how we improve as people. We can see our flaws illuminated in new ways, but we can also notice many good things we didn’t know were there. Until a friend specifically requests you bring your lemon meringue pie to brunch, you might not realize you’ve become an excellent baker. Until a friend finds the courage to tell you that she never feels like you’re listening to her, you might not realize this is how others are perceiving your chatterbox tendencies. After the third friend in a row calls you for help asking for a raise, you might finally give yourself credit as a pretty good negotiator. Once you’ve seen yourself in a mirror of friendship—in both positive and challenging ways—the reflection cannot be unseen.”

Word to the wise: it’s easy to get overwhelmed with all of the incredible books out there to read so know if you’ve already got a book stack that’s too high and more books in your amazon cart, you are not alone! Pick out one at a time and if a book isn’t resonating, feel all the freedom to toss it aside and pick up one that does. Reading isn’t just a gift that offers you more language to process your story with more depth, it’s also a tool that helps to slow you down and allows you to be present and undistracted…win win these days! 

If you are interested in other books that might be helpful to you on your own healing journey, check out the recommended reads with several categories on authentic living, healing trauma, eating disorder recovery and more. 

And if you’re local to Charlotte, North Carolina and realizing that you could use some care in the form of counseling, I’m here to help! I offer in person counseling sessions for all folks living in Charlotte and can do virtual sessions with anyone living within North Carolina, South Carolina and Texas. You can learn more about how helpful and convenient virtual sessions are here.

To schedule a free phone consult to see if Fig Holistic Psychotherapy is the right fit for you, fill out the form and I’ll get in touch with you shortly! 

Happy reading!